Roller coaster

The emotional side of a cancer diagnosis is no joke! One moment, I am up at the top, knowing that I am going to be fine and the next minute, I am at the bottom, worried about the outcomes. And one word of advice to anyone out there who may be reading this, DO NOT get on the breast cancer Facebook groups. My goodness, if I ever thought the Roswell Moms Facebook group was a negative place, these breast cancer pages are on negativity steroids. If I want to think I am dying tomorrow, I can visit these pages and feel assured of it! So, I have left all of those groups and will focus on my own journey. But the worry is not the only emotion that rolls along day after day. There's also the anger that I feel sometimes in thinking of how I have tried all my life to be healthy and I'm the one who gets cancer while others just do whatever they want and they don't get cancer. This is an ugly place to go in my mind and not kind. I find myself just staying inside myself more and more when I think this way so I am trying to overcome these negative thoughts. There's also great sadness. I've made drastic changes in my health - no alcohol, sugar, meat, dairy, etc. All scientifically based changes that are good for people with cancer. I think about the fun of eating delicious meals and having a nice glass of wine or a piece of Savannah's yummy cakes. It's so hard to think that one day my life is fun and exciting and the next day, it's totally changed. But, then God places people in my path who are struggling through things bigger than me and I am reminded of the blessings I have in this diagnosis. I know God has a plan for me and I do have total trust in Him but it's just hard sometimes to not allow the yuck to come in. My prayer is that I feel His arms around me in all that I do. I need Him to carry me.  I'm just being totally real right now. I probably shouldn't be but I don't think anyone is reading this so...

Yesterday, I had my BRACA test done. It should be negative as I have no family history of cancer but it would make clear the path for treatment if it was positive so I figured it's a good thing to have. Also, for Savannah to know as well. And I set out to get copies of all of my imaging. This is really fun to do with hospitals as their process is lengthy and time consuming but I have almost all of them collected now. Just waiting on one more set of my diagnostic mammogram. I also discussed via email the process of cryoablation with Dr. Holmes. He reviewed all of my images and reports (the reason I am collecting them all) and he feels confident he can do my procedure with 3 cryoablations so we are meeting next week via teleconference to discuss this further.

I don't know if I will ever be able to fully live the carefree, worry-free life I had before cancer but I pray that one day I will get there. In the meantime, I don't want to make a treatment decision that I regret one day if I did possibly have a recurrence. How does one have the ability to decide their future fate? This seems out of my power as a mere human on Earth. I pray that the One who knows the future will guide me and direct me in the best choice. But, at the end of the day, I know I can't control my future and I know that my time here on Earth is not meant to be forever so I have to find peace and make the decision that He lays on my heart. 

Isaiah 41:10 

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.